English and American Literature | Brandeis University | Resources for Writing Instructors

University Writing Requirements
UWS Overview UWS Outcomes FAQ - Writing Requirements Current University Writing Seminars UWS & USEM Writing Contest JV Cunningham Awards
Writing Intensive Courses
What Is a Writiing Intensive Course? How Do I Apply? Writing Intensive Courses (WI) Designing Effective Writing Assignments Responding to Student Writing Evaluation Faculty Development Workshops FAQ
UWS Instructor Resources
Brandeis Resources Four Essay Types In-class Exercises Online Writing Resources Peer Review Sheets UWS Grading Practices UWS Outcomes UWS Writing Contest Writing Center Incentives (PDF)
Writing Center
Sign Up for a Session About Us Hours and Location Faculty and Instructor Resources Graduate Student Services The Writing Process Upcoming Workshops Writer's Resources

Example Paper Comments

Example 1

Dear X,

You have an excellent idea here—two, really, as you suggest in your cover letter! I do think these two arguments are related, but do need to be woven together more tightly. In general, you mostly make an argument about the text of Frankenstein, but often zoom out to broader arguments about society at large. It might be one goal for you to think about how you can restrict your analysis to what Shelley (through this text) might be arguing about parenting.

Here are some thoughts about areas your might improve:

» Thesis. You have two ideas battling for ground here, as you explain in your cover letter: 1) Frankenstein’s irresponsibility does not end when he finishes creating the creature (though he thinks it does!)—it actually persists for as long as he neglects the creature; and 2) that this is a book that is deeply concerned with parenting. I think these ideas are intimately connected, but your paper can demonstrate that more clearly. What’s striking to me is that you think that the gothic narrative is a family romance (gone terribly wrong!)! They are not, in your account, two separate narratives, but one. The real claim you seem to be making is that the book is concerned with the process of parenting—rather than expressing specific worries about modern science, the book is more anxious about what it means to shape and mold another consciousness (or not!) that is set free into the world. If we can organize your paper around this larger idea, and make the two points smaller claims to support this argument, we can really focus this paper and make it strong. Let’s discuss.

» Introduction. You do a good job of introducing the text at the beginning of the essay, but you should also include the year it was written (in parentheses) and either underline or italicize all book titles. In class today we’ll be working on what makes for a good introduction.

» Structure. I think the structure will necessarily change as you integrate the two different threads of your thesis. One suggestion I can make is that you begin with a section on the terms applied to the creature, terms which you carefully place in quotations throughout the essay (“fiend,” “daemon,” “monster”)—great! But what does it mean that Frankenstein uses these terms? Is it a sign of his own reluctance to take responsibility for his child’s actions? Just a thought… We can discuss the structure further once we nail down the thesis.

» Style. The style is good for now, but we will be working on transitions and sentence construction in class next week, so don’t be too concerned about these elements of the essay for this assignment.

Good luck with revisions. Danielle

Writing Program

Example Paper Comments