Example Paper Comments
Example 3
Dear X,
I think that this is going to be a very successful essay, but the revision process will take considerable work if it is going to live up to its potential. I have provided some comments below to help guide you through the revisions, but please be sure to look carefully at the marginal notes I have written in the essay itself.
» Thesis. There is no clearly stated thesis in this essay because, as you mention in your cover letter, you haven’t written the introduction yet. That is fine, but let me make a couple of suggestions that will help you write it. The thesis should be clear and specific about what you’re analyzing: which journalistic sources and from what time period, and also a more recent biography that is supposed to correct many of the misconceptions about Carver but doesn’t quite tell the whole story. Also, I think you’ll want to use words like “implicit” or “unwitting” to describe to describe the kind of racism we find in the journalistic and biographical writing about Carver (I bold this phrase because these are the kinds of phrases you might use to describe the body of texts you are studying here). Back to the racism… your thesis should be specific about the brand of racism we find in these writings: it is not overt or explicit, but it is nonetheless palpable and present in these writings. That’s when words “implicitly” or “unwittingly” might come in handy—this kind of racism is so deep that it comes out unwittingly, or it is implicit in the way the story is told (or not told!).
» Sources (Citation & Integration). Be sure to provide the names and dates (just the year) of your sources (the names of the newspapers and the name of McMurray’s book—as well as descriptions of what kinds of texts they are: journalism, biography, etc…) in the body of the essay when first introducing them. After that, you can safely use just the names of the authors. These titles and dates will provide the all-important context for the reader (i.e. just providing that info will tell us whether or not they were they written while Carver was alive, what they were written for, who the audience might have been). Also, remember that all major titles (that includes newspapers and magazines) should be underlined or italicized.
» Structure. I think the structure is good, but you can make clearer distinctions between the sections in which you discuss the period journalism and sections where you discuss the more up-to-date biography. Your argument should have the distinction built in: that is, the period journalists have this implicit racism, but it is the kind of racism that is so invisible, so knee-jerk that it still persists in present-day criticism that is supposed to expose the racism of that former era.
» Introduction. Again, be sure to explain what body of texts you are examining, etc… See comments above on thesis.
» Style. The style looks good, though I do make a number of suggestions in the margins that will help you improve the style. Pay close attention to your use of semicolons.
Good luck with revisions. Danielle