Audio Clip Transcript
My circus group [cheer] has a big Halloween show that we typically do every year. I'm the writer and emcee for that show and have been for the last six or seven years and this year it was largely designed to raise money for a relief fund that our organization put together for its performers who have been struggling. We raised over $10,000 from this fund and so it raised a lot of money which was great. Since then there has been pretty much nothing again. There's not a lot of work. I'm coaching some online juggling classes, which is five hours a week. So like the rest of my time honestly is filled up with, I practice juggling in my living room, and in the pandemic feels like it's purposeless. Like I have, I struggle to find a reason to do my like one or two hours a day of juggling because what am I doing it for? Like, I'm not performing, what's the point?
From a sort of like financial perspective, um, I am feeling not great about it. I'm watching like the rent and the grocery money, our heating bill just came and it's 200, and I mean, like, ooh, here, right, I forgot that that was gonna happen. And so I you know I like see that stuff go past and I'm just sort of aware, like that sort of running tally in the back your brain, it's like, ooh, that was another big one, and another big one. I will also say that in the immediate, it's fine. I also have the immense privilege of having parents who are very well, my dad did nothing but save money as a doctor for like four years. You know, like, for, for the holidays when I was like, man, it's really been a struggle, he was like, here's $10,000. And I was like wow, I mean thank you, that makes a huge difference. And also, I'm very aware of the like white privilege that I'm existing under where my dad can just be like, oh man, did you not make money, here I'll just pay you the money for no reason because I like you. And so I'm not worried about rent because he just paid my rent for the year. Um, but the sort of longer reaching thing is that, like, financially, my partner and I were starting to look for, um, like, mortgages, and we were hoping to get out of this apartment that we've been in for a while. Um, with the way that the pandemic has impacted, at least my, like I look terrible on paper now, and I'm not going to be like don't worry bank, bank loan officer, my dad will just throw money at you. You know and at the same time then, I look terrible, which means the loan that we could have gotten is going to be way worse. Now we're not, either we have to delay that or completely downscale what we were looking for. You know, last year I was starting to feel like I was making much closer to what the average person would do, but that, a, took 10 years to get to, um, b, took the sort of like sneaky privileged financial support of my family, little by little. And, and, and I'm aware of that. And so like that is one of those reasons that I look at things like man, I should just go and like get a formal education in UX design, and go into like web design work.
I was in all of the advanced classes and honors classes and took all the AP tests that I could. Private school. I went to Vassar. Maybe I should just go like, take that training from H&R Block and become a tax accountant and get an income that is steady and reliable. And that's a sad thought, um, because I don't want to do that. But, I'm not having the, like, investments, and loans, like mortgages, and like, you know, credit scores, and the things that I would think would help to propel me into like the next chapter in a way that feels like success. It feels like I am a little bit treading water, just to do the thing that I love to do, and that is increasingly feeling unsustainable, really. Teaching three juggling classes a week is, is not going to be a sustainable financial future for me, so I'm going to need to find something to do anyway.