Example Paper Comments
Example 2
Dear X,
Wow! I think this essay is wonderful! You have done an excellent job of thinking in this essay, which is what I most like to see. More than that, you have used Levine’s central ideas to think through and analyze an aspect of Branagh’s film, which is exactly what the assignment asks you to do. You explain a very odd strangeness in the film: why does Victor give Waldman’s brain to his creature? And what are the consequences of this act? Your answers to these questions (your thesis) are right on the mark, though I will make some suggestions below to help you improve the essay.
» Thesis. Great job, but you can state this a little more clearly and put the strangeness of Waldman’s brain at the center of your thesis. I think you can begin with the brain, and then move to Levine and your thesis about the film in order to frame your thesis more provocatively. This will help with introductory matters, but more importantly, it will make your thesis cohere around a particular problem: the problem of the brain transplanted.
» Evidence. I think this is where you excelled the most! You provide excellent details, lines, etc… from the film to substantiate your claims. I would only recommend that you spend a bit more time on Levine. Why is he so invested in proving that the stories in Frankenstein are interrelated? What is his larger point about realism? We can discuss this if you like because the biggest issue in this essay is how/where you use Levine’s ideas.
» Structure. You tend to extend certain parts of your essay unnecessarily (first section on Walton rambles a little), so I recommend you tighten it up a little. Let’s discuss what can go and what needs to stay. We can also work on incorporating Levine’s larger argument into your essay (i.e. where to put it and what to do with it).
» Style. I’m happy with the style as is. I marked a few things throughout, but in general the language is smooth and clear. Perhaps work on incorporating richer descriptive words to add density to your language and weight to your ideas.
Good luck with revisions.
Danielle